The bowels of Candlestick Park – home world’s largest community of ferrel dogs and cats
27 Sep 2011 at 8:19
Fact of the Millenium:
“The bowels of Candlestick Park – home world’s largest community of ferrel dogs and cats.”
My brother, Peter Lazarus… sometime last week.
Is it true? If you believe that life is awesome, then yes, it is true. Candlestick Park is the oldest, ugliest, and moldiest of all NFL stadiums. It seems like it would be the pitch perfect home to thousands of wild dogs and cats.
So it makes you wonder how this society operates. Who is in charge? I think it’s a vicious big balled pit bull. If so, how or why does he allow the cats to survive there? Does he have a working relationship with the leader of the cats? Or do they have a knockdown, drag out, Anchorman style brawl to decide who runs the show down there? Perhaps there is a Dr.Dolittle/ ferrel whisperer bum who is in charge. This is important. I must know this.
All I do know is that this would make an amazing cartoon. A true underdog story. The meekest of the ferrel cats, who probably was a house cat at one time, becomes King of The Ferrels. He gets in adventures in San Francisco, gains self respect or whatever, and gets the girl, who is the hottest, most unapproachable, most badass of all the lady cats. Hit. HUGE hit. Note to self: Make “The Ferrel King”, make millions of dollars, live above the law.
Speaking of the law, I just completed jury duty. Here’s what I learned: If you draw a personal injury case, prepare yourself for Night Court.
My case: Blah blah blah vs Harumph harumph; should have should have called Armenian Office Porn vs. The Low Talker. It wasn’t that Armenian Office Porn was in heat all the time. That would have been hilarious. I would have enjoyed that. I mean how many times in your lifetime do you get to see a stranger get visibly horny in public? Almost never. I haven’t . Now I wish I had. That, combined with her wardrobe and grammar would have been too good to be true.
As for the Low Talker, I mean come on. Seriously? Low talkers are so selfish! “Oh, I’m shy so I wanna talk low so nobody can hear me. Cause maybe they’ll hear me and I’ll say something weird and then I’ll feel bad” What?! A Low-Talking trial lawyer? Are you kidding me? You’re a grown man with a fancy job! Oh and by the way, I may be bound by law to listen to you, but I am not bound by law to strain to listen to you.
Ha. Take that fancy lawyering! My cleverness all up in your face. Uh. Low-Talker.
The Hall of Shame.
I’m a gigantic sports fan. When sports I generally mean American sports and of those American sports I mean the big 3. NFL, MLB, NBA. Oh and boxing, I’ll watch MMA but I don’t know a ton about it. A little bit of NHL, if the Sharks are in the playoffs. That’s my scope.
I have a bit of a fascination with disgraced professional athletes. One of my daydreams is being the head curator at the Pro Sports Hall of Shame.
I would spend my days preserving and acquiring all of our national treasures. We would have the obvious stuff like Lawrence Taylor’s crack pipes and Tiger Woods’ Iporn, as well as more curious items like Mark Chimura’s board shorts. The kids will love our costume area where they can put on the strippers weave that Pacman Jones tore off when he made it rain with $80,000 in singles. It would be amazing. But the more I think about actually pursuing it, it just seems like a tremendous amount of work for one joke. Plus I probably would have to have an entire wing just dedicated to OJ Simpson. Which I would do grudgingly because of public demand, but really I would be much more satisfied with displaying the tin foil Damon Stoudamire wrapped his weed in to get it through airport security.
I hope it was Damon Stoudamire. I’d hate to libelious. Maybe I’ll add match “a late 90′s/early 2000′s trailblazer to his crime” game in the kids section just to cover my bases.